So Sorry I Was Stuck in Traffic: Your March Horoscope Is Here!

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so sorry i was stuck in traffic your march horoscope is here - So Sorry I Was Stuck in Traffic: Your March Horoscope Is Here!

Illustration through Cynthia Merhej. 

My favourite meme-theme in the entire large international is the one who faucets into the outdated “I’m on my way!” lie while you haven’t even left but and are surely going to be overdue.

Speaking of overdue, horoscopes at the ninth of the month, eh?

Look, Mercury’s gonna retrograde on March 22nd, so I’m going to move forward and blame my tardiness on that planet. Susan Miller principally instructed me to do as a lot (Astrology Zone plug!!!) and you realize that I do what she tells me to. But simply in case you’ve discovered your self frozen, not able to transport with out the celebrity’s steering, how about I make it as much as you — presently: you, me, slightly astrology? There’s that toothy grin!

Let’s get this birthday celebration began! Oh and since I actually go to sleep whilst typing about Mercury being backwards-ass, permit me to throw out a blanket remark right here: do all of your electronics buying groceries and ticket-purchasing now. Otherwise, you’ll be effective.


HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAGICAL (F)ARIES! I hope 1000 sprinkles and sugar balls tumbled from your cake the instant you narrow it, like they do from the ones viral Flour Shop ones, and I hope you stuck it in time for social media documentation.

A recap of the ultimate 9 days: Thanks to the entire moon, you most likely completed a significant mission that resulted in nice good fortune. An aggravating health-related topic most likely got here to a cheerful finish. You could have gained some money. (God bless the grandparents who nonetheless come with “walking around money” in birthday playing cards.) You additionally could have been invited to a birthday celebration!

What to be expecting for the remainder of the month: the desire for a snooze — and after March 17th, you’ll be capable to get some relaxation; a significant occupation enlargement spurt is about to ultimate till May 15th (“the coming weeks will be the most important of 2018 for career growth and progress,” in keeping with Susan, so remember to act speedy at the open positions you wish to have); and ultimately, a hot-n-heavy (sorry) love existence. Did “hot-n-heavy” make you call to mind Hot Pockets? Just questioning, additionally simply questioning if you happen to’ve had one in recent times and in the event that they have been below/hyped up? They appear to be a quick snack so why no longer, in truth.


Welcome to March or must I say, “Mooarch,” in Taurus-talk. Mooarch goes to be our favourite time of 2018, fellow bull-human-jelly-beans.

A recap of the ultimate 9 days: We had “wonderful developments to our emotional lives” due to the brand new moon (nice lord, thanks), a romantic March third and 4th weekend — kindly inform me all about it down in the similarly romantic feedback phase, and a number of of you could have proposed to anyone. I didn’t as a result of I am looking to play it cool!!!

What to be expecting for the remainder of the month: a second of, “Oh shit, I’m spending money like I’m drunk at a bar and in a good mood, as in ‘SHOTS ON ME, PARTY FREAKS,’ only my bank account just told me I’m grounded”; a monetary chill-out in reaction, almost definitely across the 17th; a possibility to go back and forth (take it if you’ll); new romance across the 28th (if you happen to’re no longer unmarried, possibly simply numerous “REKINDLING THE FIRE” wink-wink-have-fun-be-safe); and on March 30th, due to Venus, a completely top alternative if no longer excuse to get our hair carried out and perform a little or a lotta buying groceries.


Hi Geminini in a Bottle, Baby! I’m on a airplane and the individual subsequent to me is noisily snoring. Thought you’d like to grasp that element about me.

A recap of the ultimate 9 days: You had a “joyous family event” initially of the month (circle of relatives fish fry or an aunt’s 90th birthday as celebrated on a cruise, in all probability?); you could have moved; you’ve confidently been more than happy.

Susan assists in keeping pronouncing that everybody is worked up this month which makes me satisfied and I hope it’s true as a result of if there’s one film personality in the historical past of the WORLD who’s me, it’s that girl who doesn’t even pass right here in Mean Girls with the rainbow cake and…whoa. IDK if you happen to learn Aries’ intro however I simply had a life-changing realization and suppose that Flour Shop cake may well be the manifestation of the cake that Mean Girls woman sought after to bake.

You’re fortunate I’m ready to stay doing horoscopes after that roughly revelation however I AM!!! Snoring seatmate on a airplane, consider? He’s each distracting and motivating.

What to be expecting for the remainder of the month: the most efficient time in 2018 for occupation growth; a significant dating dedication and a finally-completed primary mission.


I didn’t have one crab cake in Paris, I hope you’ll know.

A recap of the previous nin days: You could have taken (or be making plans) a brief travel. If you’re making plans a large one, alternatively, wait till after March 17th. That’s it with the back-at-it stuff. Let’s glance ahead.

What to be expecting for the remainder of this month: you’ll be “hungry for new experience and information,” so convey a toothbrush anyplace you pass simply in case you’re chewing greater than standard; romance — particularly if you happen to do plan that little little bit of go back and forth; a actually thrilling “media project” (infrequently Susan is obscure and it’s great to let it occur); slightly house building scenario; your fitness or an ex riding you up a rattling wall; a answer to the very last thing I simply wrote that effects in a “strong, nearly unbreakable union”; and who is aware of, it’s possible you’ll simply get again into waffles. Remember waffles???????


Susan needs you to be aware of your funds, to which I say, “BOR-ING.” You would possibly say “MEOW-RING” because you’re associated with a cat, but when there’s something I used to be reminded of in Paris, it’s that everybody prefers you to simply talk English if you happen to’re going to unintentionally give the flawed deal with thrice in a row since you confuse the “teens” with the “twenties.”

Here’s what to anticipate for the remainder of the month: Susan is “particularly passionate about your possibilities to get an ideal deal on a loan or refinanced loan; talks of shared bills between lovas; a chance to show your creativity right into a benefit; a bump ahead in your occupation popularity; romance as in romuntz-untz-untz, and romance of the TRUE LOVE selection. At the tip of the month you’ll want slightly nap, however you additionally would possibly pass to a rock live performance. Susan stated. I simply sat right here and binge-ate Meow Mix.


The starting of the month has been busy for you! That should be as a result of your celebrity signal, Virgo, collaborated with Virgil Abloh of Off-White this means that you’re a celeb now. Don’t you concern about me, I’m no longer actually keeping an eye on what I’m pronouncing.

A recap of the ultimate 9 days: you could have observed “the fullness of a want this is deeply vital to you achieve fruition” (ooooo-ie!); you could have proposed; your house existence could have, out of reputedly nowhere, FINALLY began to really feel “lighter, easier, and more enjoyable”; and you could have began to actually center of attention in on a mission that implies so much to you.

Here’s what to anticipate for the remainder of the month: a permanent-good temper as a result of Mars in Capricorn from the 17th thru May 15th; an itch to redecorate your house; a favorable outlook on love; a readiness to search out “the one,” have a child kid, or construct a trade; and, at the 28th, a large fats wad of cash!!!


Hey Libra, so Susan turns out to suppose you could have feathers? Do you? That’s so cool, however she turns out to additionally suppose they’re dragging. Are you hibernating? That’s k!!! We all want to take a day out once in a while, stick our beaks below our wing-pits and fluffle for slightly till we really feel comfortable sufficient to come back out on anyone’s outstretched index finger once more.

I used to have birds rising up! Rainbow and Webster, double-RIP.

Anyway, doesn’t imply you’re utterly delinquent. If you get invited to a getaway scenario earlier than the 17th, you must surely pass.

Here’s what to anticipate for the remainder of the month: March 17th thru May 15th is the most efficient time to promote your rental if you happen to’re occupied with doing that roughly factor; you’ll be supremely ingenious across the new moon of the 17th; pass to the gymnasium and the dentist on the finish of the month; Libra will put “a big accent on your dreams and desires” towards the tip of the month — it’s possible you’ll really feel beaten in different spaces, so breathe right here, as a result of those are thrilling issues, and notice if you’ll’t get assist; you could get started taking piano courses. Susan didn’t say the rest about them however I concept it gave the impression of a pleasing notice to finish on.


Hey Stinger Pants! Better than Stinker Pants, am I proper?

“When you eventually look back on 2018,” Susan writes, “you will view March as a magical month, one of your most romantic months of the year.”

A recap of the ultimate 9 days: You began with a fascinating complete moon at the 1st; the entirety supposedly went your approach due to the lineup of the planets; the entire moon shone in your 11th area of hopes and needs; existence used to be throughout flowery and romantic. (Yes? No? This sounds pretty so I’m rooting for this fact.)

Here’s what to anticipate for the remainder of the month: Susan actually needs you to go back and forth, if you’ll getaway; Neptune, the Sun and the brand new moon are going to paintings in combination to “set the stage for love”; if you wish to have child chickens of your individual, now may well be the time; your occupation will shoot ahead just like the celebrity that it’s and you’re; there’s a “blue moon” on the finish of the month that would possibly make issues slightly tiring, however in keeping with Suz’s verbatim recommendation: “Certainly this is a month given over mainly to love and fun, so for once, let work take a back seat so you can enjoy those precious moments to the fullest.”


Oh Sagittarius, I introduced a celestial apple with me, your favourite!

Did you learn that in a sing-song voice? Do you suppose it’s bizarre how a lot I like your signal as a result of I like horses such a lot? At first I used to be mad about Sagittari-ii since you guys get the entire nice astrologically-related emblems and calendars and doodles, however then I discovered, “If you can’t be them, join them,” so right here I am providing you sugar cubes out of my palm and questioning if I can play together with your horsetail.

A recap of the ultimate 9 days: Your occupation is extra up than the Pixar film (hey-o!) and we all know your title; you’ll make some huge cash; the person subsequent to me is blowing into his nostril so exhausting I’m scared for his mind.

Here’s what to anticipate for the remainder of the month: Susan needs you to “toot your own horn” and rejoice your accolades, as a result of it is going to result in extra of them — you’ve were given a aggressive edge presently; you’ll center of attention on redecorating and nesting; you’ll negotiate a recommended contract (great ’n’ obscure); you’ll get started coming into birthday celebration mode despite the fact that you’re slightly sleepy (take naps, please); you’ll want to be a brainstorming spouse to a chum; and ultimately, on March 28th, you’ll “enjoy lighthearted mirth,” a sentence I am so happy Susan Miller wrote as a result of lets all stand to paintings mirth again into our vocabulary!!!


I’m no longer pronouncing you don’t, however if you happen to had Capricorn horns IRL, would you pierce them, or would you allow them to be their very own accent?

A recap of the ultimate 9 days: the entire moon of March 1st used to be “tailor-made for you” and made you smile a ton, it seems that; your 9th area of long-distance go back and forth sparkled; you could have gotten into grad college or one thing in that vein.

Here’s what to anticipate for the remainder of the month: Hopefully higher meals than the unusual aircraft hen teriyaki I simply ate; a “big competitive advantage over the other zodiac signs,” due to Mars in Capricorn from March 17th thru May 15th for the primary time in two years (from Susan: “Use this time to launch an initiative that requires you have a lucky edge, such as a big interview…”); a lit-up occupation towards the tip of the month and the fruits of a traumatic, all-consuming mission; a dressing up birthday celebration that Susan didn’t actually counsel I write about such a lot as she didn’t no longer inform me to say it, so anyway, I suppose you must throw a dressing up birthday celebration as a result of why the hell no longer. I’ll brainstorm costumes with you down beneath if you wish to have.


AQUARIUS I wonder whether your title is in charge: I have had that “Barbie Girl” tune caught in my head for 4 days and I need it long gone! I stay in need of to speak to you and Pisces about The Shape of Water and this so-called “fish sex.” I haven’t watched it but which bums me out as a result of I really feel love it’s ripe fodder for those horoscopes, even supposing this month’s batch has been slightly of a useless fish with regards to the blatant innuendos. Oh smartly. There’s at all times subsequent month to speak about Uranus and golden showers unnecessarily!

Anyway, right here’s what to anticipate for the remainder of the month: Ask for a lift at the new moon of March 17th — “it looks like you will get it,” writes Suz; you’ll start opening talks for a thrilling occupation transfer; your social existence might be like PARTYPARTYPARTYDINNERHANGFRIENDPARTY, and also you’ll be into it; after March 17th, you’ll be given the chance to move off the grid for slightly, which may well be great after that sentence I simply wrote; use the tip of the month to mirror, keep away from go back and forth if you’ll (Mercury in retro-lame) and reconnect with outdated flames — romantic or platonic. And hang around together with your Barbie World buddies!


Hello you golden fish! I actually simply stated this to Aquarius however my fingers really feel like hooves nowadays (I am a Taurus, in spite of everything) so don’t thoughts the replica/paste and fake as an alternative that I put either one of you on a gaggle textual content:

I stay in need of to speak to you and [Aquarius] about The Shape of Water and this so-called “fish sex.” I haven’t watched it but which bums me out as a result of I really feel love it’s ripe fodder for those horoscopes, all although this month’s batch has been slightly of a useless fish with regards to the blatant innuendos. Oh smartly. There’s at all times subsequent month to speak about Uranus and golden showers unnecessarily!

Work smarter, no longer more difficult, am I proper, bubble breath?

That used to be a praise!!! It’s the cutest factor I’ve ever get a hold of. I can’t wait to make use of it as a time period of endearment once more.

A recap of the ultimate 9 days: You could have gotten married, otherwise you proposed, otherwise you DTR’d — Venus is in Pisces so there used to be and is a lotta love and romance taking place; you have been very impressed, or no less than the buds of inspiration started to bloom; you could have began to search out anyone to spouse with professionally, too.

What to be expecting for the remainder of the month: Start sending out your resume and taking advantage of ye outdated community; be expecting nice information at the 11th (about one thing!); get ready for a fab alternative in ~*media*~ on March 13th; you’ll have the most efficient day ever on March 17th due to gift-giving, luck-distributing Jupiter getting the brand new moon all excited, which is able to end result in a distinct new moon that you’ll use in any approach you select. “The actions you take immediately after that new moon appears will have far-reaching, positive ramifications,” Susan Thriller stated. That sounds so thrilling! I hope you’ll ship me an old-school e-newsletter that I can tape to my refrigerator as a result of if there’s the rest I love greater than nice Suz and nice information, it’s mall pictures of my buddies in turtlenecks!

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