There is an outdated Buddhist proverb known as “The 84th Problem.” In it, a farmer seeks recommendation from Buddha on find out how to clear up his issues. After damn them off and being instructed, one after the other, that Buddha can’t be offering any lend a hand, the farmer grows pissed off and asks why.
“You see, at any point in time, you’ll always have 84 problems in your life,” Buddha replies. “The 84th problem is the key. If you solve the 84th problem, the first 83 will resolve themselves.” Intrigued, the farmer asks what the 84th subject is, and the way would possibly he clear up it. “Your 84th problem is you want to get rid of the first 83 problems,” Buddha says. “If you understand that life is never without problems, it won’t look so bad.”
I found out this proverb 5 years in the past when I used to be trapped in a millennial pigeonhole of my very own making: Is this actually it? Am I doing sufficient? Is one thing flawed with me? I had picked up a e book on Buddhism after a good friend advisable it. I was hoping it will include the antidote for my angst and its comparable disgrace.
In a manner, it labored: “The 84th Problem” confirmed me the ironic snag within the common sense of problem-solving, which is that issues are intrinsic to existence. It was once a profound finding out that caught with me. And but, my ennui returned nevertheless, an imposingly clunky subject I didn’t — couldn’t — settle for as a part of the deal.
That such a lot of folks have long past via the similar dizzying existential crises doesn’t wonder me. Imagine the combined messages: We’re instructed to attempt for extra however be content material, be content material however no longer complacent, be bold however no longer green with envy, be thankful however don’t settle, be at liberty despite it all as a result of existence is at all times laborious, each courting has doubt, each task is hard, each individual has issues. It’s all sound recommendation within the appropriately-marked vacuum, but it surely makes the essential activity of figuring out why you’re feeling uneasy actually difficult. And so round you move.
It’s been a couple years since I performed that particular logo of emotional pinball, and I’ve a concept as to what it was once that were given me out of it.
Imagine you’re digging a hollow in a grime box. You don’t know what it’s for, you simply know you’re intended to dig it and experience it. After a whilst, your fingers develop heavy, your fingers start to blister and each shovelful of grime feels heavier than the ultimate. You admit to a good friend that you just’re drained and unsatisfied. “That’s part of it,” she tells you. “Just trust me!” So you stay going. You attempt to really feel delight for what you’ve completed and to find solace in the truth that everybody else is digging too, however most commonly you’re pissed off and plagued with self-doubt, as a result of one thing simply doesn’t really feel proper.
Now consider, as an alternative, you had been digging that hollow to plant a tree, and each time you felt that fatigue, you remembered your efforts had been going in opposition to one thing you known, understood and revered.
At the top of the day, that is what I wish to be doing.
That metaphor might appear a little on-the-nose and woo woo, however my concept as to how I dismantled the pinball device isn’t expressly about discovering a function. It’s extra so in regards to the significance of getting one thing better to lean on when issues inevitably stand up — a solution to the query, “Why am I doing this?” that’s not, at its private root, “because I’m supposed to.”
That wasn’t a solution I had, nor one I positioned a lot significance find. And the end result was once a existence — courting, task, state of affairs — I preferred daily, and which was once nice on paper, however which I repeatedly, puzzlingly, struggled to seek out pleasant on a broader stage. I busied myself seeking to snap the hell out of it: Everyone’s fingers are heavy, everybody’s fingers have blisters, I’m fortunate to be digging in any respect. But the ones reminders had been in the end Band-Aid answers. As quickly as I heard anyone say that her courting was once laborious, however she knew it was once what she sought after; or heard a author say that her paintings was once laborious, however she knew it was once what she sought after to be doing; or heard a individual say that New York was once a laborious position to reside, however she knew it was once the place she sought after to be, it might all come crumbling down. Those deeper truths weren’t there for me.
This is difficult however, on the finish of the day, I’m digging a hollow to plant a tree, and that’s essential to me. Those six phrases — “at the end of the day” — eluded me; I may just by no means convincingly practice them to the spaces I maximum sought after to. As in: “At the end of the day, this is the person I want to be with,” or, “At the end of the day, this is what I want to be doing.” It’s a easy word that underlines the concept existence’s issues are much less daunting after they’re in carrier of one thing you consider with gut-certainty. I spent a lot of power convincing myself that wasn’t true, or that I wasn’t the “type of person” who’d ever make sure of anything else, however I used to be flawed.
So perhaps I became the desk over on my existence, however I don’t suppose that’s the one manner out of that disquiet. If your solution to why you’re running at your task is: “At the end of the day, it’s paying the bills, and I’m okay with that” — and that feels truthful, I say embody that; let it tether you and settle for its related prices. I’ve observed folks do this they usually’re a lot happier for it. But if it doesn’t, and also you comprehend it by no means will? Find or create a new function for what you’re doing that does, and settle for the prices that include that, too. What gained’t paintings are pretend causes that simply sound correct, as a result of you’ll’t exchange your emotions via brute power. Believe me, I attempted. Truth has a manner of effervescent up.
The why questions aren’t simple to respond to, but when I’d positioned extra worth in asking them as an alternative of blaming myself for wanting to, I might have known what was once up with me a lot quicker. My existence is other now — new task, new courting, new town — and I nonetheless have 83 issues, however they not make me spiral with self-doubt, or query my choices. As quickly as I requested myself what I sought after my issues to be, and started rearranging my existence round that solution, the existential hand-wringing of my 84th fell away.
Photo via Lisa Larsen/The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images.